


All the Shades of Loving You

by changkyunnie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Again, Angst, Bullying, Fluff, M/M, can't tag much without spoiling, just read it to find out lmao, why do i write sad things :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 06:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11030565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changkyunnie/pseuds/changkyunnie
Summary: Changkyun remembers in all the colours of the rainbow.





	All the Shades of Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> I know some of you asked for the sequel to show me I'm yours and I should also be working on ballet of the butterflies but again inspiration struck and I couldn't resist ;) enjoy

Memories are the basis upon which all people in this world build their life.

Some craft theirs using thoughts of happy times, of warm summers and of crisp fall leaves, of sparkling winter snow and sharp breaths concealed by the soft crunch of their feet against the earth, marking their path as they lead a trail through their existence. These are the people that thrive and flit about life on quick feet, soft smiles and bubbly laughter following everywhere they go.

Others will never know the feeling of harbouring a good memory, a happy thought to think of in the bad times, because for them there are  _only_ bad times. They have not known the smell of rain after a sun shower, will never come to see the stars shine ever so brightly in the twilight sky during the summers of their younger years. There are no footprints on their paths, no imprint left as evidence of what had been done there. For them it's just a lonely road, a blank slate on which they tread silently, making little to no noise underneath the solemn sky.

There are, however, instances in which the two will cross paths, find each other at a fork in the road somewhere along the way. The first shares with the second all the memories they have built up until this point, tells stories and tales and watches as the second type drinks in all the information given. It's slow, but at the moment they are hooked, the second begins a new, and fresh memories are born.

Except Changkyun has tried so hard to forget, to block everything out from his mind and empty himself of anything that had to do with Lee Jooheon.

But a part of him still wants to remember it, a part of him still sees the splashes of colour among the black and white reels of film that play on loop in his nightmares. A part of him will always love in all the shades of the rainbow.

So, that's how Changkyun remembers.

In colours.

 

Cold, crystal drops that hit the pane and drum a lullaby on the glass surface. Dark grey thunderclouds hanging overhead, flashes of light igniting the sky, a symphony of clashing thunder. Rain, rain, and more rain.

That's how Changkyun remembers that day. 

He remembers the lonely hour of lunch, recalls how he had hid in the dark corner of the empty stairwell to get away from the tormentors that chased him at his new school in America. He recounts his fear of thunder, the feeling of his body trembling as he struggles to keep his breathing in check.

Changkyun had been a new student that day, around when he was 13 years old, just a boy at the time. His parents had transferred their jobs in order to take up their new positions in the states rather than Korea, reasoning it was time for a fresh start and that a move would be good for their family. Changkyun didn't brother refusing, because his parents never seemed to have the time of day to just _listen_ about anything. He knows it would have fallen on deaf ears, like it always had about everything. Someday, he had just stopped trying at all.

And then he wished he had. Then, as he heard the footfalls nearing closer to his hideaway, he wished he could take it all back, convince his parents not to move out there or maybe join boxing lessons. He wasn't strong and never thought he would be, but he sure could have used some kind of training for that moment now, knowing he was about to be screwed in the next five seconds if he didn't pull some sort of trick out of his sleeve. He tried to think quickly, but nothing came to mind. Nothing but pure fear and terror ran through his veins, forcing him to close his eyes and hide his head in between his knees in surrender.

He had waited a good ten seconds, anticipating a punch that never arrived. It was strange, he remembers thinking, that for once in his entire life, misfortune didn't immediately find him. Something or someone had stopped it, or temporarily blocked it.

That someone was a boy. 

He had looked up, tentatively, to observe the scene before him.

A boy with fiery red hair had his back to him, arms crossed and stance sturdy, facing a group of four boys that looked rather menacing.

That boy was the only one who had ever chosen to protect Changkyun, and would be the last to do so ever again.

The group surrounding them had asked the boy what he was doing, wondering why he would guard this new kid of all people. The boy had replied that what they were doing was wrong, and they all knew it. He called them names, like scum and dirt bag, not seeming to care that he was feeding the flames, dancing around the embers and playing a dangerous game. Maybe that was just it, his personality matched his blazing hair.

Eventually, the group of boys had had enough, and the leader lunged forward to land a right hook on the boy's jaw, sending him staggering backward only by a few inches and clutching onto the front of his shirt. He brought his face in close, hissing at the other boy.

He had most likely underestimated the fiery haired boy's strength, because Changkyun had watched the way muscles rippled under his shirt, flexing his arm before quickly bringing it up and landing a hard punch square on the other boy's nose. 

The other boy had let go, grabbing at his face and grunting in pain, before beckoning the group over to support his weight. They ended up carrying him out of the stairwell, warning the red haired boy to watch his back around the school.

After the group had left the stairwell, the boy finally turned to look at Changkyun, offering a hand to help the other up from the floor.

Changkyun still remembers the skip of his beating heart, the way the flash of lightning illuminated the hair on the boy in front of him like real flames. He remembers the deep set dimples and the beautiful smile, the eyes that scrunched up and the cut on the left side of his jaw, evidence of his refusal to stand down for the younger's sake. Changkyun took the hand offered, admired the veins that moved on it as the older pulled the other up off the ground.

It's silent for a moment, aside from the red haired boy's panting breaths.

Changkyun doesn't know how to thank him, doesn't know what to say. So, instead, he had dug around in his backpack for something to help with the cut on his jaw. He pulled out a baby-blue bandaid, the first thing Changkyun ever gave him, a dull colour like a winter sky. 

He applied it to the other's jaw, sticking it on and murmuring an "okay" when he was done.

After he finished, the boy had gotten up to leave. Panicking, Changkyun decided to grab onto the fabric of his shirt, stopping him mid-walk.

"Wait," he manages to get out, heart palpitating and breathing uneven, "what's your name?"

The boy smiles again, the bright white a contrast to his crimson locks, dimples on display and eyes full of nothing but good intentions. 

"Lee Jooheon."

* * *

 The second time he gives something to Jooheon, they're lying in the soft grass in the forest surrounding the outskirts of their school. Changkyun remembers the birds chirping, flying, visible in the open sky above the clearing in which they sit, talking about another one of the younger's crazy ideas to escape this town, this life. They're fifteen, best friends of two years, and Jooheon has listened to this story more times than he can count on both hands. But he won't ever ask the other to stop.

"One day, I'm telling you. We don't need this place, we'll go and buy a house somewhere far away. I won't have to see my parents ever again." Changkyun had always been spouting pipe dreams like that, wanting a life he couldn't have. Jooheon always fed into the fantasy, if only to cheer up his friend, give him an objective.

"Sure." Jooheon replies. He stands up, stares up at the sky as if pretending to look far off into the distance, searching for the perfect destination. "We can go wherever you want, so long as it has a hill with the perfect view of everything." Jooheon makes a box with his fingers, puts it up to his eye like an artist as he imagines his dream home. 

Changkyun watches him, smiling. He knows Jooheon doesn't really believe it will happen, but he's confident he can do it for the both of them. He fell in love with his friend on a rainy day some time ago, and he would do anything to give him the life he deserves, somewhere that is not here. 

So Changkyun walks over to the edge of the clearing, picks up a beautiful red tulip that grows in a patch somewhere in the grass, and smells it. It smells like spring, of freshness and clarity, blazing colours bursting with intensity. It reminds him of his friend.

He holds it out, extending the flower towards the red haired boy, watching how the wind whips at his locks. 

"I promise, I'll get you to there."

__

* * *

 

 

The third memory he has of them, of Changkyun giving him a gift, they're 17 and deeply in love. They're happy, all the days spent with each other a blessing, a reminder to stay and not to go.

Changkyun had confessed his love when he was 16, on another rainy day quite like the one on which they met. It was just them, inside by the fire warming up after having ran around outside underneath the dark sky above. It was risky, kissing your best friend like you had been dating for years on end. But kissing Jooheon is easy, like fire and ice, so compatible but so deadly at the same time. 

It's after that day they are truly together, and it's on one day when they are 17 that they celebrate their one year anniversary.

They sit on Jooheon's basement couch, the younger straddling the red haired boy's thighs as they share a kiss in the dim lighting. It's perfect, everything about their lives are absolutely perfect together, and Changkyun wants to let the older know this.

Ten minutes later, after their heated make out session, Changkyun is sitting in Jooheon's lap and running his fingers through his hair. He's admiring the way the red strands catch the light, ember-like glow shining as he shifts through it gently.

Then he had held Jooheon's face in his hands, catching his lips in a kiss and telling him he loves him, he _loves_  him so much and he isn't afraid to say it anymore. Jooheon said it back, reciprocating the kiss and holding the younger close.

After that, Changkyun had given him his anniversary gift in a box, plain and white. It was small, barely the size of his palm, and the look of it made Jooheon begin to panic.

But in the end, it was only a gold-coloured promise ring, sporting a beautiful etching of a flame carved on the inside.

The gold colour catches the light beautifully, almost sparkling brighter than Jooheon's smile, and Changkyun thinks this just might be the most perfect night of his entire life.

Until Jooheon starts to cough, dropping the ring to the tiled floor with a sharp sound.

* * *

In the fourth memory Changkyun has kept, they're surrounded by white walls, white sheets, pristine machinery. Jooheon is still smiling, still fucking smiling despite the pain he's in, and Changkyun wants to be mad, wants to scream at him for pretending to be okay. Because he knows he's anything but okay.

Jooheon has Tuberculosis. Jooheon's treatment is not going well.

Jooheon is probably going to  _die._

Yet, he still smiles.

Changkyun almost can't take it anymore, seeing someone so bright and beautiful in a place so...not Jooheon. He couldn't take the sight of that once strong figure so beaten and so exhausted. The beeping of his heart monitor was the only thing keeping him sane during that time.

"Hey." He rasps, smiling again and looking into Changkyun's eyes. "What are you thinking about?"

Changkyun doesn't answer. He probably should, the Changkyun from a few months ago would jump at the chance to strike up a conversation with his boyfriend. But the boy in the hospital bed does not seem like Jooheon, he's much too fragile, much too doped up and too, well, sad.

Changkyun holds back tears for the 12th time this visit.

Jooheon is still smiling. "I bet I can guess." He laughs a little, airy and hard, coughing at the end. A smudge of blood is left behind as he wipes the corner of his mouth, but he doesn't even notice. He stopped noticing his condition a long, long time ago.

"I bet you're thinking of when we'll leave."

This grabs Changkyun's attention, and his head whips up faster than he intended to, sending a pain through his neck. He winces, rubbing at the spot and wondering why, out of everything that has happened in their lives, that this is the one thing Jooheon seems to remember, or want to talk about.

Jooheon's smile grows bigger, dimples setting in on his cheeks as he realizes he's hit a sore spot. "Will you keep your promise?" He asks. "As soon as I'm out, we'll leave. I'll come with you."

Changkyun's eyes widen, hearing the one thing he has been waiting for all his life. He has always been waiting for Jooheon to agree, to outright say he will come with him.

Although Jooheon is sick, he clings onto this little hope. It brings him back, reminds him that there is still a chance for them, as long as both will fight for it.

He nods, picking up Jooheon's blood smudged hand to plant a kiss on each of his knuckles. The older boy blushes, looking away outside the window.

Changkyun lifts the big, white bear he brought with him off the ground, resting it next to the red haired boy's head. The bear is fluffy and pure like fresh snow, with soft fabric and a hint of Changkyun's cologne to comfort him. He bends down, leaning in to whisper something for just the two of them. 

"I promise, Jooheon, I will get you there."

 

* * *

 

 

In the last memory Changkyun has of Lee Jooheon, it's raining,  _again._

The sun is setting on the horizon, reflected by the rippling pond beneath it that he can see from where he stands on the hilltop. The view that surrounds him is vast, stretches of beautiful forest that close them in like a protective barrier, with meadows that range far and wide. 

The hill is perfect, providing a view of everything in the area.

And Changkyun gives his last gift to Jooheon in that moment.

He places the black umbrella gently over the stone in front of him, shielding the rock from the weather. It isn't too windy, so it stays in place, protecting Jooheon the way he had for Changkyun that day they met.

Before he leaves, he places a beautiful bouquet of multicoloured roses atop the dirt, for all the shades and hues that he could not give to Jooheon, and never will be able to. Ever.

He stands up, pushing his wet bangs out of his face and taking in the view one last time. His eyes flicker to the stone.

"I told you I would get you here."

 

**Author's Note:**

> all the jooheon stans are going to kill me now byE
> 
> also sorry if anything with the illness is inaccurate, I'm actually really bad with hospitals and treatments and stuff like that so I didn't look it up :/


End file.
